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Why Do Women Talk So Much?

Yap, yap, yap, nag, nag, nag, gossip, gossip, gossip! Why do women talk so much? Although the world is full of men who like to talk, and do so often and well, there is a universal stereotype that says that women out-talk men. On average, women do speak about 4000 more words daily than men. Differences in male and female communication styles are not only relevant to how much they talk, but what they choose to talk about, and why.

Men tend to employ a “if it is broke, fix it,” mentality. They believe in taking action when they encounter a problem. It is not uncommon for a man to retreat into privacy to think through a problem without asking the opinions of others. He will ponder, and perhaps even conduct formal research, before reaching a decision. Once he has a solution in mind he will take action to initiate it. After he has successfully addressed the situation at hand, he may wish to talk about the brilliance of his strategy, or the success of his results. Seldom do men want to ask others what they should do about their problems.

Women operate a bit differently. Women like to talk through their problems as opposed to thinking through them in private. Women feel better after explaining their problems to others, even if a solution to the problem is yet to be discovered. Speaking aloud provides a way for a woman to clarify her thoughts and explore the various dimensions of the issue at hand. Often times this practice of “talking through problems” is misunderstood or misinterpreted by men.

When a man hears a woman he cares about discussing something that is distressing her, his first inclination may be to help by sending her a solution to her problem. He begins by saying “Well, if I were you I would…,” or, “What you need to do is…” Another man would likely appreciate this direct approach to helping him solve a problem. Unfortunately, a woman might not be receptive to this approach. She may let the man know that his solution is off base, because he doesn’t know the full extent and history involved in the problem, and then go on to explain them further, or surprisingly, she may report that she already knows what she is going to do!

A man might be inclined to ask why the problem is still being discussed if a solution has already been found. The woman may respond that she is testing out her solution by running it past others whose opinions she values before committing to action. She may go so far as to phone several others to ask what they would do in a similar situation. She then synthesizes their responses with her own plan to refine it before enacting it.

Women sometimes even feel patronized when a man attempts to assist her by sending along a workable solution. “He doesn’t think I know how to do anything!” she will whisper to her friends. A woman will feel more supported by the man in her life if he abstains from offering advice, and asks clarifying questions to help her better think through her own issues. Here are five questions that will help a woman picture the outcome she wants, discover her options, weight her risks, and develop a plan.

1. Given the situation at hand, what would be the best possible result that you could achieve?
2. What option do you have for obtaining that outcome?
3. What are the risks, or downsides of each option?
4. Which risks could you most easily and completely control?
5. What are you going to do?

Another reason that women like to talk is to formulate a mental measuring stick of their own value. Although both men and women gossip, women are usually accused of it more often than men. A man’s gossip tends to differ from women’s gossip in content and comment. One man might tell another man his opinion about a speculative event, such as who will get an upcoming promotion or demotion at work, but seldom will a man reveal deeply personal information to others. Some men may even feel it is a sign of weakness or vulnerability to talk about their personal emotional issues to others.

Women tend to talk more about their feelings to other women than men do, and then ask, “Is it normal for me to feel this way?” Women may also trade tales about what is happening in a third party’s personal life, and compare their own situation to it in hopes of noticing how much better they have handled things than others. Gossip serves as a way that a woman can stay in the loop, and judge her own role competency as a woman.

When women gossip the tale tends to grow taller with every telling. Women add their impressions and opinions to gossip as they pass it along, where men stick more to the original facts as he first heard them as he passes the story along. For this reason men’s gossip tends to morph less than women’s gossip as it passes from one person to the next and retains more of its original content.

It is a rare man that has never been accused of not listening when a woman speaks. A woman may even give her man a “listening test,” if his mind seems to have wandered away from the conversation. “Okay, tell me what I just said!” she will exclaim. Much to her amazement, the male partner in the conversation can usually relate the most salient points of her verbal presentation back to her. So if a man really is listening, why does a woman think he isn’t? It could be because men listen without interruption or comment.

Dr. Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation (2001) states that women feel listened to when the other person in the conversation makes supportive utterances as she talks. Interjecting phrases such as “I see,” or “Tell me more,” convey understanding and interest. “That’s great,” or “Oh, no!” provides empathy and support. Men who wish to be thought of as good listeners by their female counterparts will want to become more involved and active in the conversation, and contribute their own reactions to what she is saying.

Men sometimes get lost in the verbal barrage that a woman can generate when she is talking to him. Few women get directly to the point when telling a story. They bring in seemingly irrelevant details and draw analogies to things that men cannot comprehend as being germane to the topic being discussed. This circular speech pattern tends to be frustrating for men to follow and they may eventually ask that the woman come directly to the point. This is a useless request, since for women, all of the details are part of the point to be made. To help a woman consolidate her conversation interrupt politely and say, “Let me see if I am following this…,” then repeat what she has stated in an abbreviated form. Often times she will pick up on the summary style of the man, and will complete her story in a more condensed version.

A woman may use conversation to feel closer to the man she loves. Females tend to need more verbal reassurance than men regarding the secure status of their relationship. Men tend to want to talk about the relationship only when a problem arises with it, while women feel the need to discuss how good the relationship is, or how much it has grown over time. What man doesn’t want to sprint from the room when a woman says, “Honey, let’s talk about our relationship”? Resist the urge to run gentleman, and simply say, “Yes, let’s! I have been meaning to tell you how much you mean to me.” Then proceed to spontaneously tell your lady that you love her more each day, and specifically what she does that makes your life better. A grand tribute of verbal appreciation and a hug will be all she needs to allay any doubts that she has been feeling about your commitment to her.

When conversing with a woman, especially about how you feel, it is important to maintain consistent eye contract. When men talk to one another, they often speak while looking at a third thing rather than at each other. Women look directly at one another when they converse. Many women believe that the eyes are the window to the soul, and they are able to derive a great deal of meaning from what a man is saying to her with his eyes.

One last tip guys, to prevent a woman from nagging, write down the things that she asks you to do so you won’t forget to do them, and let her know approximately when you intend to get around to the requested tasks. Typically, she will not bring them up again unless the deadline passes and no action has been taken. Don’t make false commitments and say that you will do things that you have no intention of actually accomplish. If you stay credible with her, she will not disrupt your solitude with repeated reminders to get things done.

Yes, women are great talkers. They talk to establish rapport, to fend off nervousness, to feel closer to others, to support and reassure others, to measure their own competence, to feel included and to get things done. Resistance is futile, fellas. To assure that the females in your life feel loved, listen well, take an active interest in her life, and provide frequent verbal reinforcement of the fact that she is, indeed, your everything. Tell her that life without her would be intolerable. She will definitely stop talking to listen to that!