Advice, Dating Online Personals

Cross-Cultural Relationship & Interracial Dating

All lasting relationships begin with attraction. You meet someone in person, or over the Internet, and you find that you are attracted to them on an intellectual, physical, and/or emotional level. The stronger the attraction, the less significant any difference between the two of you appears to be at first. As the relationship progresses, however, you might start to notice how different the two of you really are. This is especially true if the two of you are from different cultures.

Let’s examine how relationships develop. First, you feel attraction to someone else, or they to you. Hopefully, the attraction is mutual, and leads the two of you to want to explore one another in more depth. This exploration is usually done through ongoing communication. You ask one another questions, exchange stories about your life experiences, compliment and support one another, reassure one another, and perhaps even offer one another advice. As this process progresses, you may marvel at how compatible the two of you seem, and your fondness for each other will deepen. At least that is how it is supposed to happen.

Since most adults come with their own “baggage,” forming a new relationship is a complex process, even if both parties belong to the same national culture. Past psychological traumas, current habits, beliefs about what is normal, and ones’ own values must be reconciled with those of the other person. Even if both people have similar backgrounds, beliefs, values, and life experiences, connecting fully and deeply with others to form a lasting relationship may be challenging. When stark differences produced by diverse acculturation are noticed, this process may feel somewhat daunting.

Culture refers to the total system of values, beliefs, attitudes, traditions and standards of behavior that regulate life within a particular group of people, and are thought necessary to their survival in the context of their environment. Culture is so deeply rooted in human beings that it is at play on a subconscious or unconscious level. In other words, people operate from their cultural programming without even knowing that they are doing so. Connecting with another across cultures is a tricky process because you may even be unaware of your own biases. This combination of having differing perspectives on the world, and not knowing what your own secret prejudices may be, creates a situation where cultural collisions may occur.

Cultural collisions happen when people judge one another through their own cultural lenses, instead of striving to understand and accept the cultural norms of their new friend. Cultural collisions occur when one person says, “This is the way to think about this issue,” and the other party counters with, “No, your way is wrong, my way is the right way to view the issue at hand!” Both parties may be so entrenched in their own cultural rules that they are unable or unwilling to move to a middle ground position, so they simply collide with one another. Learning to overcome one’s own culturally dictated perceptions, and enter into a relationship with someone from another culture can open one up to a whole new world of adventures and possibilities to anyone pioneering enough to try.

The process of understanding a person from another culture begins with self-examination. Begin by identifying any stereotypes you may harbor about the culture of the other person. A stereotype is an over-generalization of information that is taken from observing, or hearing about a few members of a culture, and believing the observation to be true about most people in the culture. Stereotypes may be positive or negative in nature, and may be accurate or inaccurate. The most damaging impact of believing a stereotype is that it tends to limit or cloud a person’s perception of others. Examine your beliefs about the culture that you wish to learn more about. What do you think you already know about people from this culture?

Here are some things you might want to ask yourself to learn more about how you think of the culture and people common to your new friend.

• Are the people of this culture friendly and outgoing, or reserved and introverted?
• Do these people have traditions or norms that you find odd?
• What do you believe the living conditions to be where your new friend resides?
• Does this culture have religious or spiritual beliefs that differ from your own?
• Does this culture define the roles of men and women in the culture differently than you define them?
• How are children and elderly people regarded and treated in this culture?
• Do extended families traditionally care for one another or live together in the culture?
• Do politics and government play a large role in the way the people of the culture live?
• Is this culture welcoming to foreigners, or do they resist people from other cultures?
• Are the people in this culture as smart, attractive, and important as the people in your own culture?
• Do the people in this culture spend their money wisely?
• Are the people in this culture more independent or interdependent?

Are you surprised about how much or how little you think you know about the culture? The next step is to gain culturally relevant information to test the accuracy of what you think you know about the culture, and to fill in the gaps that exist in your knowledge. This process is one of gaining cultural competence about the culture in question.

Culturally relevant information is acquired by researching a culture to learn about the norms of it’s’ people through inquiry and observation. This information is useful in understanding the ways in which another thinks, feels and behaves. The information is neither positive nor negative in nature, but is generally accurate about a significant portion of the group being researched.

By asking your new friend questions, and perhaps visiting or reading about the culture, you can begin increasing your cultural competence in relating to your friend, and others in the culture. To be culturally competent means to recognize, understand and value cultural differences, and the commonalties that underlie the differences. Simply because people in all cultures are human beings, a great many similarities exist. It is from identifying this common ground that you can begin to progress in your relationship.

Along with the questions that you have already considered, here are some other culturally sensitive questions that you can ask to get to know your friend better.

Personal/Family History

• Where were you born and raised?
• What was the ethnic background of your parents and grandparents?
• Do you or your family want to live in another country? If so, why?
• What is your family like?
• What characteristics, traditions and values held by your parents and grandparents do you still maintain?
• Which traditions have you changed?
• What would you say is the most important thing in your life?

Family Practices

• What is the most important thing a family can provide for a child?
• What do you think it takes to keep children safe these days?
• Do you expect different things from girls and boys in your family?
• What do you see as the role of a parent in a family?
• How is the role of the grandparent viewed in your family?
• Is extended family an important part of your life?
• Do your friends often function like family for you?

Intercultural Experiences

• Has discrimination affected your life? If so, how?
• How much experience have you had with people who are culturally different than you yourself?
• Have your experiences been positive or negative for the most part?
• What is one thing you would like to learn about people who are different than you?
• How do you decide if you can trust people or not?
• What kind of pre-judgments do you think people of other cultures make about you because of your race, culture or ethnicity?
• What would you like others to understand about your culture?
• How have you grown in your perspectives and insights with regard to your view of others who are culturally different than you?

The next step is to let the other person know how you would answer these questions yourself. In this way you can get to know each other better as both individuals and as part of a larger group.

Early in a relationship, when two people are infatuated with one another, it might seem unimportant to know all of this about one another, but after a time the realities of the world in which you live will crowd into the relationship, and some of these issues will become quite relevant in determining whether your relationship will succeed or fail. It is better to explore these issues early on, before the two of you become entangled in commitments that are hard to break.

Even if you and your friend have come to accept and understand one another’s culture, there still may be pressure from your friends or family members to get you to either abandon your new friend, or to change your new friend’s behavior. The new relationship you are building needs to be very strong, bullet-proof, in fact, to survive the opinions, manipulations, and protests of those who say they only want the best for you.

Seldom are cross-cultural relationships fully supported on both sides by others who care about each of you. The negative influence of even a few people whose opinions either of you hold dear may be enough to cause you, or your friend, to doubt the future of your newly found joy. Those who love you have not had the benefit of experiencing the strong positive emotions that you have discovered as a result of the relationship.

It is not wise to totally discount the opinions of your friends and family, nor is it helpful to buy in to what they have to say without question. Often these objectors will bring up valid points that require further exploration between you and your new friend. It is essential to share these concerns with your relationship partner and discuss them openly to decide if these issues have the potential to cause contention in the future.

If properly managed, a cross-cultural relationship has the potential to expand the thinking and perspectives of the parties involved, and others around them as well. Understanding how to look at situations that have always been “no brainers” for you from a different viewing point will open up a new source of growth and learning for you that you never suspected could exist.

When two people from different cultures merge their lives they enrich one another with a new range of possibilities, free of cultural-centric limitations. You will discover new ways to think about yourself, and the course your own life will take, as well as to recognize the value of the contribution that the other person can make to your life. People who have successfully maintained cross-cultural relationships over time report that the relationship caused them to expand their paradigms, open their minds, master new skills, and become more accepting of new experiences. In short, the relationship has caused them to grow. What more could you ask for?