Advice, Dating Online Personals

Learning the Language of Love

The Internet has done more to bring people of different cultures together than any means previously available to the citizens of Earth. The Net gives us the impression that the world is shrinking, yet it isn’t. There may still thousands of miles to travel to meet your new acquaintance face to face. As air travel grows ever more expensive and difficult, one might want to make absolutely sure that the trip is going to be worth the effort before traversing the globe to get to know someone a bit better.

Instant messaging and emailing your way to true romance is a challenging endeavor. In the good old days you could tell something about another person while listening to their voice on the telephone, or looking deep into their eyes over coffee. In the world of Internet romance, you may get to have an occasional telephone conversation, or exchange pictures of yourselves with one another, but building a lasting bond on a computer keyboard is close to impossible.

The process of Internet romance is further complicated if there are language differences between you and your new love interest, or if time zones prohibit you from chatting frequently with one another. You and your new friend may find that you need to acquire a few new tools to get to know each other well enough to make a visit worthwhile. Both a web camera and a video camera are a great help in better understanding who another person really is, and what their life is like. Berlitz language learning software, and online translation guides are also useful to decipher what each of you is trying to say to the other.

A webcam will allow you to see one another as you converse. Facial expressions, body language, and cadence, tone, and volume of speech can give you a good deal of insight into what someone means to say, and provide clues as to how that person is feeling. A video camera is useful to record your daily life so that the other person can see what your home and workplace look like. You can introduce them to your friends and family via video, and they will be able to see where you hang out. You can tape your holiday celebrations, your pets or children doing cute things, or your irritating neighbor doing aggravating things, and send them along to your new friend to help cultivate a better understanding of the things you talk to her about. Narrate the video as you make it by saying short phrases like, “My dog Spot,” or “My apartment balcony.” Using simple sentences will help teach your friend your language while showcasing your life.

Berlitz tapes will help you learn the other person’s language, and they yours. When you are both simultaneously learning the language of the other person you will find that your communication challenges fade more quickly than if just one of you is trying to speak the other’s tongue. Translation websites will convert your typed message from your language to that of the other person. There are some problems with these sites, however, in that they make very literal translations, and don’t accommodate regional dialects. You may find you have said something you never intended to say when the translation misinterprets your language usage.

Whether talking with or writing to someone whose primary language is not the same as yours, avoid clichés, colloquialisms, slang, complex sentences, obscure words, and sarcasm. None of these are easy to translate, and are considered to be advanced language skills. Stick to basic language when communicating with someone who is having difficulty understanding you.

For some strange reason, it is common for people to speak louder when communicating with someone who is having trouble comprehending them. This sends the wrong message to the other person. You will sound angry, patronizing, impatient or rude if you use this strategy as an attempt to clarify your message. Speak clearly, slowly, and in low voice tones to help the other person hear each word you say distinctly.

When you cannot understand the other person because their use of English is broken, or heavily accented, ask them to repeat the word you cannot understand. If you still can’t understand the word after three tries, ask them to repeat the full sentence again using another word with a similar meaning. Never pretend to understand when you do not, and ask the other person to be honest with you in saying when they do and do not understand you. Pretending can have dire consequences, lead to grave misinterpretations, and evoke commitments to things that you never intended to commit to.

When you are getting to know someone for who English is a second language, let your feelings show in your facial expressions. Smile, frowns, tears and giggles are hard to misinterpret. On the other hand, gestures are easy to misinterpret. Many gestures have culturally specific meanings, and can send exactly the opposite message you intended to send. Keep gestures to a minimum unless you are using a commonly understood gesture like waving hello or goodbye.

Be aware of the fact that different cultures tend to place their words in different contexts. Context refers to how much you have to know before a conversation begins, and how much knowledge is shared during conversation. There are both low and high context cultures, and some cultures such as the culture of the United States, has a mix of both, depending on the region of the country that you visit, and the heritage of the people you are speaking with.

High Context Cultures

• Use fewer words to convey meaning, much is implied
• May exclude outsiders in subtle or direct ways
• May communicate in neutral or non-emotional ways
• May ascribe status (as opposed to achieving it)
• Speakers direct themselves from the inside
• Speakers tend to be high consideration and avoid interrupting
• May use longer pauses in conversation
• May avoid direct or immediate confrontation during conflict
• History, tradition & inside jokes to give meaning to conversation
• Use analysis and diffuse connection methods to process information
• Examples are the French, Japanese, Native Americans, & Scandinavians
• Use universal concepts as opposed to specific ones to guide thinking

Low Context Cultures

• Use lots of words to convey meaning, much is specified
• Include strangers by filling them in on everything
• Tend to express emotion while conversing
• May feel status is achieved, not ascribed
• May “go with the flow” of conversation instead of following internals
• Speakers tend to be high involvement & engage in overlapping speech
• May engage immediately & directly in confrontations during conflict
• Involve all in rule making & have few initial structures/traditions
• Use specifying & synthesizing methods to process information
• Examples are Americans, Southern Europeans, Africans, & South Americans
• Use particular and specific concepts & models to guide thinking

If possible, try to vary your context to match the contextual usage of the person with whom you are attempting to communicate to increase the chances that your message will be understood.

Symbols, pictures, objects, body language, and commonly understood gestures can all be used to further clarify your meaning. You may even consider learning sign language, which is universal, to communicate with one another.

Seek out others in your own community who speak the same language as your new friend, and ask for their assistance in helping you to communicate with your far off friend. This is a way that you can learn about both the culture and language of your special person. Most immigrants are eager to share tales of their home country.

Learning to communicate with another across language barriers is a loving gesture that will provide proof of your honorable intentions to your prospective soul mate. Once the two of you feel you can communicate well enough to get to know one another on a deeper level, a visit may be in order.

Touch is another form of communication that can help advance a relationship. Hugs, hand holding, and cuddling will give you clues as to how another person is feeling and what they are thinking as well. The body language of love is fairly universal, and often speaks much louder and clearer than words.

Communicating across languages and cultures is a life enhancing experience that will help you and your friend to be more intelligent and feel more intelligent. Others will admire you for your bi-lingual abilities, and knowing how to speak more than one language may provide both personal and professional opportunities for you than were previously beyond your reach. Don’t let a small think like linguistics keep you from getting to know someone who may turn out to be the love of your life.