Advice, Dating Online Personals

Male Bonding - Friendships are Important for Men as well as Women

Friendship is important for men and women. In men, a strange dichotomy exist, however, that can be the source of eternal vexation when women try to figure them out. Men have a strong need to have male friends. They want at least one “good buddy” who relates to them even when they are happily married. The trouble is that, though a few good men have the ability to develop and cultivate deep, meaningful male relationships, most men don’t know how. So, they compensate by evolving relationships around work, sports and the age old game of outdoing each other and bragging at every turn. And, depending on a man’s relationship with his father in the formative years growing up, many men may never be able to move beyond this shallow form of “male bonding”.

One of the biggest factors in a man finding one or more good friends is trust. Many men find it hard to trust one another. Their lives center on competition and, whether they are at work or at play, there seems to be an underlying spirit of “don’t trust anyone; instead, outdo them. You’ll find security in being on top”. Perhaps this stems from our hunter/gather times where the office competition took men out in the field to hunt food. There, every man was your enemy. If you got the game that I was after, me and the family I was providing for might go hungry, or die. The stakes were pretty high. And, it seems that we haven’t lived down that possibly innate need to beat our neighbors. This is one of the factors at the heart of male distrust.

Personal security also plays a role. Many men, because of their spirit of distrust, possess little personal security. Worse, many are also uncomfortable with their sexuality and so their sexual security is very low. If a man’s wife asks her to carry her purse for a moment while walking in a busy mall, a lot of men would actually say no. Or, they may tell her to set it on a bench and they will “sit” with it. Some might even hide it under a jacket or other item. Another manifestation of this lack of male security is very applicable to the male want for friendship. Men desire close, deep friendships but are insecure about expressing the emotions that accompany those types of relationships. You frequently see women hugging each other, dancing together in public or even touching each other’s hands in public. They will even tell each other how they feel. Most men struggle with this a great deal. 

Men harbor many homophobic feelings that make them think that if they show any sort of emotion towards another man, others will think they are gay. Worse, they may feel gay themselves for engaging in a hug or an emotional gesture towards a man. These are really just psychological fears that are unfounded but such a part of our nature and nurture that they form very powerful and real fears in many men’s minds. So powerful, in fact, that a man may verbally or physically attack a homosexual man in front of his peers to show how “unhomosexual” he is while inside wishing he could express himself with some of the sensitivities of the homosexual man.

Men’s lack of sexual security also causes their relationships with other men to center around verbal insults and other negative commentary as a way to say, “I care” without actually uttering the words or showing the genuine feelings. It is easier for them to maintain the hard, negative edge then to actually expose any kind if genuine compassion.

So, what is the answer? Men need to begin to get more in touch with their genuine emotions. They need to not be afraid to express their want for a male friend or their feelings towards that friend. Women can help in this endeavor by guiding their willing partners down a path of emotional exploration. This can have a powerful effect on not just the man’s growth as a human being but on the quality of the relationship between the man and the woman.