Advice, Dating Online Personals

Inappropriate Online Dating Questions

In the fast paced world of online dating, it’s only natural to want to learn more about a person as quickly as you communicate through email. Let’s face it; in the online dating environment we have the advantage of a profile about a person. Unlike in real life where we meet someone, and learn about their likes and dislikes through conversation. There are definitive advantages and disadvantages with having the profile. The biggest advantage is being able to weed out people that do not have similar backgrounds, interests or values, thereby completely eliminating the need for face to face conversations and eventual dread of running into that person again.

On the flip-side, the disadvantage to the profile is that it gives you more information than you might have gotten in a the first date or two - which catapults you into a perceived need to move forward in the communication in order to get to the meat and bones of who the person is. Notice, I said perceived. Yes, it feels like you already know so much about the person based on their profile and the emails you’ve been swapping. In actuality though, you really don’t. Think of the whole online dating scene as a film library. Each film (dating candidate) has its own synopsis (profile) for you to read in order to take interest in the film. You pick one, like the synopsis and start watching the film. While still in the beginning half of the film you decide that you like the way this film is turning out and can’t wait to see the end, so you fast forward to the last scene, not paying attention to the images as they fly across your screen. When you play the last scene, the film ends badly and you are confused because you have no idea what happened in the middle. Chances are the middle was filled with inappropriate actions or in your case, inappropriate questions.

Even though you already have a sense of what the person is about, you still want to take the time to talk about the stuff they have in their profile and avoid inappropriate questions, particularly in the beginning stages of the dating relationship. I know, you are thinking first of all, what are inappropriate questions and secondly, how do you get to know someone without asking them? To that, let me remind you, it’s the beginning of a relationship. If you and she really, truly click, there will be plenty of time to learn about the inappropriate topics.

An easy way to decipher whether the question that is waiting to leap from your tongue is inappropriate or not is to first of all, ask yourself the question and see if you would be comfortable sharing that information with this person, as well as many other people you may end up dating if the others do not work out. Chances are, if its information that you yourself would not want to share with many people, than it’s most likely an inappropriate question.

A common example, which most of us are guilty of is the question of past relationships. Sure, we want to know where the other person is coming from, what kind of baggage is attached and what kind of potential problems might pop-up in the journey. The truth is though, when we ask and share our relationship past early in a relationship, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We don’t completely understand how the other half processes information at the early stages, so what we say and how it is interpreted could be skewed in a negative way. It’s just not a good idea in general to talk about your past relationships. Most breakups are horrible and there are always two sides to every story, and when we share our experiences, we only hear the one side.

Sexual past is also another huge inappropriate topic. No one wants to give out quantities and details, especially in a new relationship. However, I am not saying that you should completely avoid this topic. If you are planning to have sex, you do need to cover some sort of sexual history before the act takes place in order to protect yourself. Which information you disclose will be completely up to you and your intended; only the two of you can decide what to share and when in that area.

Unrelated to love and sex, money is another inappropriate relationship topic. If you are concerned that you are communicating with a gold digger, just stay away from that topic. Their true nature will eventually show through. If you are concerned that you may not be making enough money for the person you are interested in, again stay away from the topic. If she’s really into you, your income isn’t going to be the deciding factor.

And finally, do not under any circumstance ask about the current dating situation. Yes, it’s tempting to find out how many people they are dating simultaneously and figure out who your competition is, but really it isn’t anyone’s business. If you think having that information will change your mind about the person, then you probably have already changed your mind and are just looking for an easy out.

The inappropriate questions are not meant to be never asked. In time you can, but first, get to know the person more. Expand on the information already listed in their profile. You may find by learning more about the person, you won’t even need to ask those questions. And, if you’re ever faced with those questions, a simple “I’m not comfortable discussing that at this time” and changing to a different topic should eliminate any awkwardness.