Advice, Dating Online Personals

How to say no Graciously

So, I’ve been communicating with this person, we’ll call him Joe for about three weeks now. It all started with a wink from him, and moved to a couple phone calls. Quickly, I know - but with the wonders of the online dating resources like VoIP, it happens. Anyway, Joe and I seemed to click. Our conversations were fast and full of banter and we shared a few laughs. Despite having several photos of me on my profile, he wanted to see more – in fact somewhat demanded to meet in person for “coffee”. When I told him I wasn’t quite comfortable enough to meet in person, he basically dropped off the face of the earth. Sure, it’s his loss, but it still bugs the hell out of me since there were other ways he could have handled the situation graciously.

For starters, he could have been upfront and said even though he had enjoyed emailing and having phone conversations, he didn’t feel the chemistry was there to be anything more than friends. I understand that men are visual creatures. I get that. But guess what, women like visuals too. In fact, the first attraction in a relationship is visually based.

If he was afraid of hurting my feelings, he could have taken an easy way out and sent an email simply stating something like “Thanks for taking the time to chat and get to know me. I have decided to pursue another match and wish you well in your search.” Maybe he was afraid by doing that I would open a series of emails, but really if he’s not into me, he’s not into me. Why would I want that?

Most of the online dating sites have a very easy way to say no to someone while saving face and avoiding awkward situations. If you have the option to send them a prefab email stating you are no longer interested, use it. It is so much kinder than simply disappearing into the ether. And really, when you think about it, in the real world when you want to stop seeing someone, you can’t simply disappear. You have to tell them. Why should the online environment be any different?

If you are having a difficult time saying no, you are probably making it more difficult for yourself than it actually is. If you aren’t interested in someone, be upfront and gentle. Women tend to be hopeful, so make sure you are being concise. We don’t want details, but we do want to know definitively. So don’t say you’ll call them back, if you really don’t intend to even pick up the phone. Just say upfront you don’t think it’s a match. We’ll all be so much happier in the end.