Comments on: Breaking-up “What to do… if You’ve Been Dumped” http://www.coopyrite.net/2007/07/08/breaking-up-what-to-do-if-you-have-been-dumped/ Understanding of human relations, attitude, behavior Sun, 12 Oct 2008 23:47:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.5 by: Hummingbird http://www.coopyrite.net/2007/07/08/breaking-up-what-to-do-if-you-have-been-dumped/#comment-4325 Mon, 24 Mar 2008 06:58:14 +0000 http://www.coopyrite.net/2007/07/08/breaking-up-what-to-do-if-you-have-been-dumped/#comment-4325 Here is my comment: Mine was a break up through a series of Text Messages. I will never get past the bad feelings. I vow to never love anyone or let anyone touch me for their pleasure again and then risk being dumped. The day I realize that I am angry at just another confused warped person trying to figure out what their own needs are on this planet Earth: the insane asylum of the universe, (God's cosmic sitcom) and stop letting someone else who also has problems just like the rest of us cause so much pain for me might be a day of reckoning. But so far no such thing. The trick of a good relationship is NOT to find a perfect mate, but to have better tools to communicate what we understand to be true for and about our own selves. Even if it is just to have tools for breaking up respectfully and leaving dignity in tact. Studies show that it is only through risking getting through being uncomfortable with our own discomforts or truths that creates any bonding in the first place, or shared emotional experiences. We have to be willing to take risks to know not only what another thinks but how they think; be willing to take risks to not try to be perfect all the time because we aren't, but be willing to share what is true for us over time. I will never be the same. He made it entirely my fault. I might feel better and be doing everything I can like good eating, exercise, volunteering to help others, reading, and so on and on meditating what ever you name it; I will never be the same after this lawyer from Lakeport. He told me he made a vow to never love again after a girl he loved and just engaged to dumped him badly with cheating on him, and he didn't tell me this early on. He never told me he made a "vow never to love again or use the "L-word" to anyone else again"! Now I have taken a vow to never do it again either. He dumped it on me. I have paid HER dues! I can't crawl out of this and it infuriates me how he text messaged broke up with me after nine months and left me no recourse for discussing why he had changed his mind. Sorry, I will never trust again. Ever. I resent anyone saying I will just get over it with time, especially coming from him! I would rather die than trust anyone again. And each day I live is just another day closer to getting out of here. Hooray. Learning patience is the thing but I simply cannot accept what I cannot change. Love is absolutely irrational and it is just stupid for people to think they can figure it out. People try to set their love in stone but at best, all they can give is a stone in a setting. The closest I have come to understanding why we attract the people we think we have "chosen" to love which we don't... really.... it's from the subconscious, is Harville Hendrix's book "Getting the Love You Want". Hendrix said, "Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union. Whether or not you realize the full potential of this vision depends not on your ability to attract the perfect mate, but on your willingness to acquire knowledge about hidden parts of yourself." Another shockingly insightful book is: John Ratey's "Shadow Syndromes". and of course "The Irreducible Needs of Children" by Stanley Greenspan and T.B. Brazelton; which explains what the "Attunement Process" is; and how our brains need this process to hard-wire our DNA in order to have life-long intimate relationships. Without it, we never quite feel very comfortable with someone else in our own skin, we never quite feel that we are experiencing any long-lasting and fulfilling sexual relationship. Right now it's been 4 months and I have lost most my friends for my depression and caused havoc on my family; and I am sure he could care less. It was not that we broke up that made it so excruciating. It was that he was clueless to see how he robbed me of my ability to just have my feelings and cut me out suddenly. I am starting another exercise conditioning class tomorrow and adding more intense yoga with relaxation walks. I cry every day, even when someone is just showing me some niceness. Even being nice to me, hurts. I can't even tell you how it hurt that he contacted me after two weeks and said thanks for the break! After texting me to never contact him again, saying if I had any "boo hooing to do" he hoped I got professional help... He abdicated from any responsibility or ability to have the time to discuss anything with me, and said he hoped my friends would be there for me. Instead I have not been out anywhere with my “friends”. My "friends" and I now have nothing in common because I don't want to dance. What is the point? Sometimes they text or leave a message to wish me well, saying they are really worried about me. But I already told them to just stop calling me. I have nothing new to say. I have no desire to go out dancing. I don’t drink or smoke. I am not interested in “meeting someone” or socializing. I’m only just getting over being very rude to men who still call or text message. I tell them to take a number that says infinity and get in line with the rest. It only made it worse that this lawyer guy said the same thing you published here ... that I would soon be over him, and meet someone new, and then the whole thing would start again... after I had stopped wanting to put him on my list of ruffians, and make a pillory or whipping post of him... or something like that… Of course because HE said that I have vowed to NEVER let that happen. I will never let anyone ever touch me again. I would sooner Lorena Bobbit them. If you want to study the effect on the brain; what this kind of abrupt rude breaking off of a limbic bond is and how and why and what causes obsession due to the effects on the cingulate – all this information is well-known. It’s not just for therapists. This kind of abrupt, cruel text message break up and sudden cutting off is what drives people to become stalkers if they are already unstable. It's not my fault I am now obsessed. I hate myself for both hating and desiring him and I am the only one stuck with it. My vow is never to let anyone get that close again. Ever. I have heard people say that this kind of break up is worse than death, and I can understand why. I also went through divorce as well as death, and I fully get why it feels worse. It may take a very long time to heal but it will not be without a scar. I am hoping that as time heals all wounds that also time wounds all heels. I'm not closer to "finding the right person". That is just a harmful, ignorant, and simplistic advice to say. I am permanently damaged goods, as they say, and take offense with your projecting that I have to have a "positive attitude" just because you think it is somehow wrong to grieve as long as I need to; or that it is somehow my "choice" to be feeling this way; or that crying is not a part of life and I am just a wimp for doing so. I say the Lord's Prayer every day and I am not even Catholic. At least it keeps me from over eating to realize basically there are going to be people I hurt and people that hurt me, but please don't lead me in to temptation over it. Be thankful for daily bread if you have it! I cannot believe he broke up with me. Especially not like that. Can't accept it. Can't get over it. Can't get around it. Can't go through it. I just make sure that I try harder each day to make use of myself to serve others and try to prevent suffering in whatever way I can, cause this is bad. If this sounds crazy, I know that already, it is. By one definition crazy is the inability to stop doing something you cannot stop doing! It is crazy making. Breaking up with someone in a fit of rage with a bunch of text messages is no way to break up with somebody and I am still suffering. I swear, I will never be the same. Worse I suppose because I am infuriated when told that this is my “choice”. If you study about how the brain works you will find that how this hit my cingulate, and this sudden breaking of a limbic bond is what CAUSES obsessive thinking. Bingo. I'm now obsessed. I'm allergic to drugs. I have no recourse but to sit with this hard edge, cry, pray, chant, watch movies, read... I don't have hope one day it will be over. I already accept it won't be. I can't change or make him love me. I pray for all beings that no one has to go through getting text messages telling you that you are history. You are basically a disposable person, and you will get over it like he will, like people just do. I will never get over it. I have taken a vow to just serve people now. I will just re-direct my intense sexual energy. But I don't believe that this has not changed my brain and heart forever. Not for a minute. Not for four months. Not in this life. Not in the next either. Here is my comment:
Mine was a break up through a series of Text Messages.
I will never get past the bad feelings. I vow to never love anyone or let anyone touch me for their pleasure again and then risk being dumped. The day I realize that I am angry at just another confused warped person trying to figure out what their own needs are on this planet Earth: the insane asylum of the universe, (God’s cosmic sitcom) and stop letting someone else who also has problems just like the rest of us cause so much pain for me might be a day of reckoning. But so far no such thing. The trick of a good relationship is NOT to find a perfect mate, but to have better tools to communicate what we understand to be true for and about our own selves. Even if it is just to have tools for breaking up respectfully and leaving dignity in tact. Studies show that it is only through risking getting through being uncomfortable with our own discomforts or truths that creates any bonding in the first place, or shared emotional experiences. We have to be willing to take risks to know not only what another thinks but how they think; be willing to take risks to not try to be perfect all the time because we aren’t, but be willing to share what is true for us over time.

I will never be the same. He made it entirely my fault. I might feel better and be doing everything I can like good eating, exercise, volunteering to help others, reading, and so on and on meditating what ever you name it; I will never be the same after this lawyer from Lakeport. He told me he made a vow to never love again after a girl he loved and just engaged to dumped him badly with cheating on him, and he didn’t tell me this early on. He never told me he made a “vow never to love again or use the “L-word” to anyone else again”!

Now I have taken a vow to never do it again either. He dumped it on me. I have paid HER dues! I can’t crawl out of this and it infuriates me how he text messaged broke up with me after nine months and left me no recourse for discussing why he had changed his mind. Sorry, I will never trust again. Ever. I resent anyone saying I will just get over it with time, especially coming from him! I would rather die than trust anyone again. And each day I live is just another day closer to getting out of here. Hooray.

Learning patience is the thing but I simply cannot accept what I cannot change. Love is absolutely irrational and it is just stupid for people to think they can figure it out. People try to set their love in stone but at best, all they can give is a stone in a setting. The closest I have come to understanding why we attract the people we think we have “chosen” to love which we don’t… really…. it’s from the subconscious, is Harville Hendrix’s book “Getting the Love You Want”. Hendrix said, “Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union. Whether or not you realize the full potential of this vision depends not on your ability to attract the perfect mate, but on your willingness to acquire knowledge about hidden parts of yourself.” Another shockingly insightful book is: John Ratey’s “Shadow Syndromes”. and of course “The Irreducible Needs of Children” by Stanley Greenspan and T.B. Brazelton; which explains what the “Attunement Process” is; and how our brains need this process to hard-wire our DNA in order to have life-long intimate relationships. Without it, we never quite feel very comfortable with someone else in our own skin, we never quite feel that we are experiencing any long-lasting and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Right now it’s been 4 months and I have lost most my friends for my depression and caused havoc on my family; and I am sure he could care less. It was not that we broke up that made it so excruciating. It was that he was clueless to see how he robbed me of my ability to just have my feelings and cut me out suddenly.

I am starting another exercise conditioning class tomorrow and adding more intense yoga with relaxation walks. I cry every day, even when someone is just showing me some niceness. Even being nice to me, hurts. I can’t even tell you how it hurt that he contacted me after two weeks and said thanks for the break! After texting me to never contact him again, saying if I had any “boo hooing to do” he hoped I got professional help… He abdicated from any responsibility or ability to have the time to discuss anything with me, and said he hoped my friends would be there for me. Instead I have not been out anywhere with my “friends”. My “friends” and I now have nothing in common because I don’t want to dance. What is the point? Sometimes they text or leave a message to wish me well, saying they are really worried about me. But I already told them to just stop calling me. I have nothing new to say. I have no desire to go out dancing. I don’t drink or smoke. I am not interested in “meeting someone” or socializing. I’m only just getting over being very rude to men who still call or text message. I tell them to take a number that says infinity and get in line with the rest.

It only made it worse that this lawyer guy said the same thing you published here … that I would soon be over him, and meet someone new, and then the whole thing would start again… after I had stopped wanting to put him on my list of ruffians, and make a pillory or whipping post of him… or something like that… Of course because HE said that I have vowed to NEVER let that happen. I will never let anyone ever touch me again. I would sooner Lorena Bobbit them.

If you want to study the effect on the brain; what this kind of abrupt rude breaking off of a limbic bond is and how and why and what causes obsession due to the effects on the cingulate – all this information is well-known. It’s not just for therapists.

This kind of abrupt, cruel text message break up and sudden cutting off is what drives people to become stalkers if they are already unstable. It’s not my fault I am now obsessed. I hate myself for both hating and desiring him and I am the only one stuck with it. My vow is never to let anyone get that close again. Ever.

I have heard people say that this kind of break up is worse than death, and I can understand why. I also went through divorce as well as death, and I fully get why it feels worse. It may take a very long time to heal but it will not be without a scar. I am hoping that as time heals all wounds that also time wounds all heels.

I’m not closer to “finding the right person”. That is just a harmful, ignorant, and simplistic advice to say. I am permanently damaged goods, as they say, and take offense with your projecting that I have to have a “positive attitude” just because you think it is somehow wrong to grieve as long as I need to; or that it is somehow my “choice” to be feeling this way; or that crying is not a part of life and I am just a wimp for doing so.

I say the Lord’s Prayer every day and I am not even Catholic. At least it keeps me from over eating to realize basically there are going to be people I hurt and people that hurt me, but please don’t lead me in to temptation over it. Be thankful for daily bread if you have it!

I cannot believe he broke up with me. Especially not like that. Can’t accept it. Can’t get over it. Can’t get around it. Can’t go through it. I just make sure that I try harder each day to make use of myself to serve others and try to prevent suffering in whatever way I can, cause this is bad. If this sounds crazy, I know that already, it is. By one definition crazy is the inability to stop doing something you cannot stop doing! It is crazy making. Breaking up with someone in a fit of rage with a bunch of text messages is no way to break up with somebody and I am still suffering. I swear, I will never be the same. Worse I suppose because I am infuriated when told that this is my “choice”. If you study about how the brain works you will find that how this hit my cingulate, and this sudden breaking of a limbic bond is what CAUSES obsessive thinking. Bingo. I’m now obsessed. I’m allergic to drugs. I have no recourse but to sit with this hard edge, cry, pray, chant, watch movies, read… I don’t have hope one day it will be over. I already accept it won’t be. I can’t change or make him love me.

I pray for all beings that no one has to go through getting text messages telling you that you are history. You are basically a disposable person, and you will get over it like he will, like people just do. I will never get over it. I have taken a vow to just serve people now. I will just re-direct my intense sexual energy. But I don’t believe that this has not changed my brain and heart forever. Not for a minute. Not for four months. Not in this life. Not in the next either.

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