Advice, Dating Online Personals

So, I’ve been communicating with this person, we’ll call him Joe for about three weeks now. It all started with a wink from him, and moved to a couple phone calls. Quickly, I know - but with the wonders of the online dating resources like VoIP, it happens. Anyway, Joe and I seemed to click. Our conversations were fast and full of banter and we shared a few laughs. Despite having several photos of me on my profile, he wanted to see more – in fact somewhat demanded to meet in person for “coffee”. When I told him I wasn’t quite comfortable enough to meet in person, he basically dropped off the face of the earth. Sure, it’s his loss, but it still bugs the hell out of me since there were other ways he could have handled the situation graciously.

For starters, he could have been upfront and said even though he had enjoyed emailing and having phone conversations, he didn’t feel the chemistry was there to be anything more than friends. I understand that men are visual creatures. I get that. But guess what, women like visuals too. In fact, the first attraction in a relationship is visually based.

If he was afraid of hurting my feelings, he could have taken an easy way out and sent an email simply stating something like “Thanks for taking the time to chat and get to know me. I have decided to pursue another match and wish you well in your search.” Maybe he was afraid by doing that I would open a series of emails, but really if he’s not into me, he’s not into me. Why would I want that?

Most of the online dating sites have a very easy way to say no to someone while saving face and avoiding awkward situations. If you have the option to send them a prefab email stating you are no longer interested, use it. It is so much kinder than simply disappearing into the ether. And really, when you think about it, in the real world when you want to stop seeing someone, you can’t simply disappear. You have to tell them. Why should the online environment be any different?

If you are having a difficult time saying no, you are probably making it more difficult for yourself than it actually is. If you aren’t interested in someone, be upfront and gentle. Women tend to be hopeful, so make sure you are being concise. We don’t want details, but we do want to know definitively. So don’t say you’ll call them back, if you really don’t intend to even pick up the phone. Just say upfront you don’t think it’s a match. We’ll all be so much happier in the end.

More than any other environment, it is critically important to leave your rose-colored glasses off when using the online dating environment. As you scroll through the hundreds of gorgeous profiles on the online dating sites, it’s hard not to get caught up in the fantasy, or even logic of it all. The profiles have the most flattering picture to draw you in. The write up reads well and before you know it you are communicating with your dream gal: Tall, curvaceous, blonde likes live music, outdoors and cooking. Sounds like the perfect girl? She just might be if you like acoustic and Celtic music and meditating outdoors. And her height – she’s the tallest one in her entire family, standing at a whopping 5’5 which makes her curves outwardly curvy. How one writes their profile is not always how it is interpreted. A lot of the information, especially descriptive information is relative to the person writing it and the person reading it.

In order to break through the fantasy of the profile you must use logic. Read the profile in full, several times. Make sure everything adds up. Do they say they love to travel, yet their posted annual income is less than $25,000? Yes, it’s possible they do travel on a tight budget, but realistically their “travel” might consist of exploring a new county within the state - which technically is considered travel.

If you find something within the profile that doesn’t add up, don’t be afraid to ask them about it. In the example of the travel, you could ask when the last time they traveled was and where they went. Questioning in this manner is more of a conversation and they won’t realize that you are actually cross checking their reality with their profile. If you ask them in a more blunt and upfront manner, chances are they will go on the defensive and that’s not a good starting basis.

Just as you find the fantasy v. reality while you are looking through other people’s profiles, it’s just as important to make sure your profile doesn’t have the fantasy factor too heavily played. While it is important to use your best photos and have a well written profile, you do not want to go overboard and exaggerate areas. Yes, your profile is an advertisement to market yourself, but you aren’t looking for a quick sell, you are looking for a long-term investor.

To keep the fantasy from taking over, keep the communication open. Ask questions, clarify the answers. Make sure what you are being told is what you understand. If you don’t clarify, you will only start to make your own conclusions which leads to fantasy, which eventually could lead to some pretty hefty disappointment when faced with the reality.

In the fast paced world of online dating, it’s only natural to want to learn more about a person as quickly as you communicate through email. Let’s face it; in the online dating environment we have the advantage of a profile about a person. Unlike in real life where we meet someone, and learn about their likes and dislikes through conversation. There are definitive advantages and disadvantages with having the profile. The biggest advantage is being able to weed out people that do not have similar backgrounds, interests or values, thereby completely eliminating the need for face to face conversations and eventual dread of running into that person again.

On the flip-side, the disadvantage to the profile is that it gives you more information than you might have gotten in a the first date or two - which catapults you into a perceived need to move forward in the communication in order to get to the meat and bones of who the person is. Notice, I said perceived. Yes, it feels like you already know so much about the person based on their profile and the emails you’ve been swapping. In actuality though, you really don’t. Think of the whole online dating scene as a film library. Each film (dating candidate) has its own synopsis (profile) for you to read in order to take interest in the film. You pick one, like the synopsis and start watching the film. While still in the beginning half of the film you decide that you like the way this film is turning out and can’t wait to see the end, so you fast forward to the last scene, not paying attention to the images as they fly across your screen. When you play the last scene, the film ends badly and you are confused because you have no idea what happened in the middle. Chances are the middle was filled with inappropriate actions or in your case, inappropriate questions.

Even though you already have a sense of what the person is about, you still want to take the time to talk about the stuff they have in their profile and avoid inappropriate questions, particularly in the beginning stages of the dating relationship. I know, you are thinking first of all, what are inappropriate questions and secondly, how do you get to know someone without asking them? To that, let me remind you, it’s the beginning of a relationship. If you and she really, truly click, there will be plenty of time to learn about the inappropriate topics.

An easy way to decipher whether the question that is waiting to leap from your tongue is inappropriate or not is to first of all, ask yourself the question and see if you would be comfortable sharing that information with this person, as well as many other people you may end up dating if the others do not work out. Chances are, if its information that you yourself would not want to share with many people, than it’s most likely an inappropriate question.

A common example, which most of us are guilty of is the question of past relationships. Sure, we want to know where the other person is coming from, what kind of baggage is attached and what kind of potential problems might pop-up in the journey. The truth is though, when we ask and share our relationship past early in a relationship, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We don’t completely understand how the other half processes information at the early stages, so what we say and how it is interpreted could be skewed in a negative way. It’s just not a good idea in general to talk about your past relationships. Most breakups are horrible and there are always two sides to every story, and when we share our experiences, we only hear the one side.

Sexual past is also another huge inappropriate topic. No one wants to give out quantities and details, especially in a new relationship. However, I am not saying that you should completely avoid this topic. If you are planning to have sex, you do need to cover some sort of sexual history before the act takes place in order to protect yourself. Which information you disclose will be completely up to you and your intended; only the two of you can decide what to share and when in that area.

Unrelated to love and sex, money is another inappropriate relationship topic. If you are concerned that you are communicating with a gold digger, just stay away from that topic. Their true nature will eventually show through. If you are concerned that you may not be making enough money for the person you are interested in, again stay away from the topic. If she’s really into you, your income isn’t going to be the deciding factor.

And finally, do not under any circumstance ask about the current dating situation. Yes, it’s tempting to find out how many people they are dating simultaneously and figure out who your competition is, but really it isn’t anyone’s business. If you think having that information will change your mind about the person, then you probably have already changed your mind and are just looking for an easy out.

The inappropriate questions are not meant to be never asked. In time you can, but first, get to know the person more. Expand on the information already listed in their profile. You may find by learning more about the person, you won’t even need to ask those questions. And, if you’re ever faced with those questions, a simple “I’m not comfortable discussing that at this time” and changing to a different topic should eliminate any awkwardness.

When you are writing an online dating profile, you should put a lot of thought into how you are presenting yourself to the online dating scene. You can think of the dating profile as a sort of well-phrased resume in a way, meant to attract a potential date rather than land the career job of your dreams. Both are equally important mind you, but let’s focus on what composes a good online dating profile.

Most importantly, a person should make an effort to have their online dating profile consist of only those key interests and activities about them. Nobody wants to read an excessive list of all the things that someone likes to do. Such a self-centered profile might cause a person to think that the person is arrogant. Just keep things simple and well thought out. Less is more in this case. There is no need to overwhelm anyone with too many details.

Keep things simple and leave some room for a little mystery, as that can be very attractive at times. Boasting is not necessary. Find a happy medium that tells people about you in a simple and confident manner. Don’t make yourself out to be a reject or an unhappy person, as that will not bring the results you are hoping for. Be creative in your wording and not boring.

Next, when indicating the type of person you are looking for, don’t list an abundance of expectations that will cause a person to think that you are looking for a superhero. Be realistic in what you want in a person and chances are you may get the response you want from a person you are interested in. You need to be careful not to scare a person away with your greater than thou expectations. There are no perfect people in this world, so be sure to be realistic in your requests.

For goodness sake, be honest in what you say about yourself. I assure you that lies will not bring happy results. You may be able to deceive people for a while but once the truth comes out, there will be a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment, which could be avoided. Just be honest and be yourself and good things will come your way. There is no need to pretend that you are someone that you are not. Chances are that the person you want to be is not as great as you think anyway. The most common lies are around age, profession, marriage status and income. Don’t be shallow and lie, be honest! Nobody is attracted to liars. Actually, there is really no need to share your income in your profile.

When choosing text style, don’t type in capitals, as it is too bold and harsh. Keep it a friendly style of text and it will attract friendly people. Be careful not to word things in such a way as to convey sexual messages between the lines. Being sexually suggestive might just cause you to be wrongly labeled and misunderstood by the right person.

Finally, use words in your profile that people use in everyday language, not ones that they have to look up in the dictionary or Internet. Chances are they will not even bother with someone who speaks above them in jargon and odd words. In conclusion, convey an overall optimistic feeling in your profile. A person who reads your profile should know that you are a confident, independent and honest person who has genuine intentions to meet their match!

Let’s talk about profiles. As I browse through the online dating profiles, my biggest pet peeve is incomplete profiles. As a woman who has a profile, the likelihood of me spending anytime getting to know someone who did not add an any personal thoughts to their profile, is very low. In order to have a truly satisfying online dating experience, everything starts with your profile.

Headline - 3 Words Describing You!

Your headline is what makes you stand out from the rest of the crowd. On search results, it shows up next to your photo, making it truly the very first impression of you. Writing a descriptive, capturing headline can be difficult, as you are often limited to a certain number of characters. Depending on the dating site that you are using, you may have to create your headline, before you continue with the rest of your profile. However, if you are able to skip the headline and move onto the other parts of the profile, do that. It might be easier to come up with something capturing, after you have filled in the blanks. If you aren’t able to skip the headline, simply put in your favorite quote and go back and change it after you have filled out the rest of the profile.

When you do create your headline, avoid any negative words or words that can be interpreted in a not so endearing way. I personally skip over any profiles that contain the word “nice” in the headline, because it implies to me that the particular person probably has been walked all over. I also avoid profiles that have personal qualities such as “honest, loyal, and caring”. I know it seems strange that I would pass those by, but the truth is, those shouldn’t have to be listed as selling points, they should be standard.

You are probably thinking “what the heck am I supposed to write if I can’t use those words and need to avoid anything that can be interpreted negatively?” Well, this is where you have to look at what you have in the rest of your profile and yourself. Headlines that reflect activity or philosophy are generally good. Be creative. Your headline does not need to be a complete sentence; in fact, your headline could actually be a single word that sums you up. If you really get stuck, ask your closest friends to give you one to three words that describe you.

Meat - Building Your Profile

Most online dating sites have easy to use questionnaires that help you build your profile using questions and multiple choice types of answers. Simply filling these questionnaires out is enough to have your profile match other profiles, but it will not help you narrow down your choices and will often end up matching you with others that will make you go “what the …?”

To help you get your best matches, you want to take the fullest advantage of the “About Me”, “in my own words”, or “who I am” sections. Every dating site will call this area something different, but across the board they all have the same goal: To have you describe yourself in your own words and in a way that stands apart from the rest of the profiles. It’s not enough to list your qualities and hobbies. In fact, starting off this area with a laundry list of qualities most decent men should have is not the best way to get the attention that you seek. Think about it; if you list loyal, trustworthy, and honest - are you really setting yourself apart from the rest of the candidates? The key is to grab the attention. If you’ve already chosen your headline, work that into the first sentence. For example, let’s say you are a fire fighter and your chosen headline is “Seeking My Flame”. You will want to have the first line of your in your own words section to read something like “Seeking My Inextinguishable Flame”, and then go on to describe what that means to you. The best in your own words sections are written as though you are already communicating with your perfect match. Written in this manner, it speaks directly to a person.

Before the Internet was released to the general public, it was used by government and university researchers. And, despite the fact that they created email and online chat for scientific purposes, it quickly became used for social and romantic purposes, even amongst the most academic users.

Well, if love can make its way into, and dominate the, love lives of academic researchers, how much more so can it pervade the dating and romantic lives of the less logical public. In fact, when the Internet was first released for public consumption in the early 1990’s, it didn’t take long for the public to use this revolution in communications technology to find and communicate with members of the opposite sex.

Internet Relay Chat took off very quickly and a multitude of IM (Instant Messaging) platforms soon followed thereafter. And, all these technologies brought about a revolution in finding one’s soul mate online.

Many people ask, though, what is the benefit of this online dating thing? Why does everyone go on about it? Well, there a number of benefits to online dating.

The first benefit of trying to find a date online is that you have so many people online that you are bound to find a person that is compatible with you. We, as human beings, tend to split into about 7 different types of people. Maybe everyone else in your town is of type 1 or 2 and you’re a type 3. Online, there may be 100 million type 3’s out there, all waiting for you. And, if they are online and looking for a date, you can make the assumption that they are single and ready to meet you.

With so many people online, you can engage multiple prospects at once, as well. You might never be dating 3 or 4 prospects at a time in the real world but, online, you can. This gives you honest choices about the relationships you wish to pursue.

Another one of the great benefits of online dating is that you have the ability to meet with people without exposing yourself. If you are shy or awkward in social or dating situations, this is a way to just talk to a potential mate without revealing your social shortcomings, if you have any. The person can get to see the real you.

Have you ever dated and felt that things were going to fast? Or, maybe felt that you had to go fast to keep up with a fast date? One great benefit of online dating is that you can go as fast, or slow, as you want. That is an important factor in finding a partner that is truly compatible with your personality.

The Internet is up all day and night and never sleeps. In fact, there are a lot of people online that never sleep, either. You have the luxury of searching for a soul mate anytime, day or night. You could never do this in the offline world.

The Internet can allow you to secure your privacy in a much great way than offline communication technologies. With phone calls, the person can get your number and then your address. Online, only sophisticated hackers can get past the security you set up. And, if you are conscientious, you will learn about the easy methods that one can use to ensure their identities are only revealed when they want to reveal them.

Internet dating is a powerful force to help the socially challenged find a soul mate. If you don’t have a lot of confidence, are very shy or just healthily paranoid about your privacy, the Internet may be an excellent way to meet someone who is just like the lover you have always dreamed about.